my name aint BIC, but i keep that flame

self control is still shitty
i said i wasnt going to eat at matts, but i still did.
i didnt eat a lot though, which is good i guess

now me and him arent talking
and i dont know if we'll ever talk again
he's emotionally abusive to me
and i told him i was done with his mind games
his hot and cold shit is getting old and i'm sick of it.

so if he does text me again i'm going to tell him
i'm going to tell him to decide whether  he likes me or not
even if its just as a friend
and if he does like me then good
and if he doesnt he needs to stop trying to be my friend


OH MY FUCKING GOD!
the fucking kid upstairs needs to stop fucking running around
before i strangle him. i seriously will. i dont even care at this point.
i'm not in that great of a mood today.
my meds arent working or something.

i'm going to see new moon tomorrow though
i'm pretty excited about that.
then we're going out to dinner after.
its gonna be me, leah, my mom, and some of her friends
going to the movie and then me and leah are going to a restaurant
and my mom and friends are going to a different one
should be fun.
























if i could pull off pink hair i would so do it

arent you tired of being weak?

i am.
i'm sick and tired of having no self control.
today matt kept calling me a fat ass.
so i decided i'm really gonna start doing something about it.

i just got done purging.
there wasnt much left in my stomach because i ate a little while ago.
but i did it just to see if i could still do it.
i takes a little bit of work but it'll get easier as i do it more.
i remember all i had to do before was bend over the toilet
and clench my stomach muscles and everything would come up
easy as pie. :]
i miss that.

i'm going to matts again tonight and i'm staying til sunday.
so i'm not going to eat at his house at all.

i told him how i used to make myself throw up earlier
and now i just told him that he gave me the motivation to lose
all the weight that i've gain. and i'm going to do it no matter
what i have to do.
he told me to shut up.
lmfao

he's like the walmart version of you

dylans gone home.
thank god, i was kinda getting sick of him.
:P
i feel bad whenever that happens cuz i start getting really bitchy
but i can never be with one person for long periods of time
except for leah, and when i was with nick.
i never got sick of him.
i get sick of leah sometimes, but very rarely
its cuz we're soo a like in most ways.

i'm going over to matts tonight.
hopefully anways.

that kid is SOO bipolar i swear.
like three days ago he was like:
"you're being rude."
which i wasnt.
he was at a party and i figured he would be having fun
so why would he randomly text me.
and i asked him why.
he took it as i didnt want to talk to him.
so he goes:
"i think it would be best if we didnt talk anymore."
and i'm like fine if thats what you want.
the next day he texts me telling me he got his deer.
i'm like WTF?!
but i didnt say anything cuz him texting me is his way of apologizing i guess
idk
i cant figure this kid out.

he pisses me off so bad too.
cuz like we're be talking about doing "stuff" together
and then he'll be like bring leah.
i'm like fuck you douche bag.
but i know leah would never do anything with him
because he's like a brother to her.
and because he has a little penis lmao

i dont even know why i like him so much.
ugh.
fml.

i want this forever

soo my friend dylan is coming over for a couple days
so i'm not gonna be able to post for a while

i've been doing really bad eating lately
its kinda pissing me off
i have no self control anymore
i wish i would just get sick again
but without my mom and doctors knowing
then i could lose a whole bunch of weight
because i'd be vomiting all the time
and then eventually i would just stop wanting to eat
i remember times where i would go to walmart to go grocery shopping with my mom
and i would have to leave the food section
because looking at all the food would make me want to throw up
i want those times back
i dont even care if its unhealthy,
i dont care if i'm tired all the time
or if i'm pastey white
i just want to be thin again















its snowing right now
i'm kinda happy and i'm kinda not
i like snow, but it stays for too long
i wish it would just come, then go away
except for on christmas, i like there to be a lot of snow then
it just feels more like christmas

i want you stapple-gunned right to my side all of the time

i've been doing really shitty the past few days eating
god damn halloween candy
never should've went trick or treating

i love her nose, its soo cute and tiny